I have had a hard time putting into words what Father’s Day means to me. My father passed away in October of last year, about five months before our son was born. Because this Father’s Day is my first as a father and also my first without my father, it is somewhat bitter sweet. Although my father and my son didn’t get to meet here, I like to think that they had five months to get to know each other.
As Lana and I struggled with infertility, we kind of rode a roller coaster of emotion. We would get pregnant and be extremely happy, and then find out that there was some issue and Lana would miscarry. Because of the hurdles we had to overcome, I think the idea developed that it was just never going to happen. When Grayson finally came, I realized that I had focused so much attention on getting him here that I hadn’t given much thought as to what it actually means to be a father. As a result of not considering the ramifications of fatherhood, I have had a lot of feelings of inadequacy and unpreparedness. I have often thought, “How am I supposed to raise a child when I still feel like a child myself?” However, my mom has always said, “You don’t learn about your parents from your parents. You learn about your parents from your children.” While I probably don’t fully understand yet how correct that statement is, I am beginning to.
I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a great example of what it means to be a father. In the few short months that I have been a father, I have begun to realize how much time and sacrifice my father put in to raising and supporting me. He provided me with every opportunity to grow and progress and was always there to help me up when I was down. He was a man of great integrity and commitment. He worked numerous, long hours in order to support and provide for our family. I am so grateful for him and for all of the lessons he taught and the characteristics he instilled in me, and I hope that I can be the same kind of father to my son as my father was to me.