It’s Christmas and my arms are empty. Again.
Last year you were sitting in the same spot in your home, looking at your tree, and thinking to yourself, maybe next year I’ll be sitting here, holding a baby. But, then the year goes by and it’s Christmas again and your arms are heavy with the sadness that only infertility can bring. The holidays are childcentric. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas engender images of rosycheeked children with their families. Because of this, it can be a difficult time for those of us trying to conceive. It can feel lonely. It can feel sad and isolating, in particular when there is an unsaid expectation that this is “the most wonderful time of the year.”
The questions you know they’ll ask.
Holidays can be tricky with family members. Infertility is rarely understood by those who don’t experience it. Everyone has a version of greataunt Sue who always asks “when are you going to give your parents some grandchildren?” If you haven’t discussed your infertility with family members you are bound to get some of these questions. This doesn’t mean that you are required to let your family know the details of every last test you’ve undergone. But, it is useful to have a response ready such as “that’s something were looking forward to in the future” or “it’s not as easy for everyone to get pregnant as you may think, we are working on building our family with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist.” Likewise, you aren’t required to share information with family members if you aren’t comfortable, discussing with your partner what you’d like to share and with whom may be helpful.
New traditions, and opting out of old ones.
You may consider getting out of town or doing something alone with just your partner. If it’s painful to go to your sisters house and watch your nieces and nephews open presents, don’t do it. You could suggest just arriving for brunch or dinner. Before the event occurs picture yourself at the family party and feel it out, does it feel forced, are you holding back tears? Give yourself the gift of permission and self acceptance this year. If it’s painful to try and carry on
like nothing is wrong, don’t do it.
Gratitude and Service.
Remember the reason for the season. Although cliche, it does change our perspectives when we are able to provide service or time to someone who needs it. Infertility is all encompassing and it’s easy to feel enveloped in grief. Consider spending some time with an aged relative, or volunteering in your community. Not only will it help others, but it will provide you with the realization that although you are struggling to build your family, you have a house over your head, food and access to health care. If you are passionate about infertility and have an interest in advocacy, Resolve, a national infertility organization is often seeking volunteers.
Give yourself a break. You are grieving.
This one is most important. All of the clients I see need to be reminded that perhaps they don’t feel as happy as they used to, or don’t have that sparkle in their eyes, because they aregrieving. Infertility isn’t seen, you can’t point to a broken arm and say “this is why I’m upset.”
But, it’s there, you are grieving the loss of a dream. You are grieving the idea that your life would be a certain way. Many of my clients say that they always imaged themselves a parents, and with infertility it’s out of your control. No matter how hard you work at it, how much you want it, those things don’t calculate like they might when you’ve worked towards other goals. This is frustrating and makes us feel helpless and beaten down. Now is the time to practice good selfcare, to be aware that you might not have the emotional strength to hold it together like you normally can. That’s Ok, that’s honest. Be kind to yourself.
Lastly, the holidays will eventually come to an end. The best thing you can do is be prepared, know what your limits are and set a calendar in place that honors where you are emotionally this year. And somehow, hold onto hope for next.
Whitney Barrell, LCSW is a mental health therapist who has both clinical and personal experience with infertility. She works with couples and individuals to navigate difficult treatment decisions, improve communication about family building and heal from the grief and loss that is often profound in infertility. She often blogs about the emotional aspects of infertility and several of her articles have been published by KSL, 24Salt Lake and other news
sources. Find out more: www.whitneybarrellcounseling.com